What the fuck. Again?
I was not yet a fetus the last time the Brewers were in the playoffs. My parents conceived me during a Gorman Thomas at-bat in July 1982. As a zygote, I really enjoyed the postseason, and I felt as though this would frequently occur after bursting forth from my mother's womb.
In 1987, they started 13-0 and missed the playoffs. In '92, they were the third-best team in the AL and I cried when they were eliminated and thought it was because I said "ass" when B.J. Surhoff popped out in a clutch situation for the billionth time.
This year is seriously going to be shittier than 1982+1987+1992+2007.
Holy Christ Ned Yost. I know smart people think the manager's role is very limited, but I'm going to take the pencil you use to write Bill Edward Hall's name into the lineup card and put it in your ear. I'm going to assume you've never heard of WARP. It means the amount of wins the player would provide over say, any shithead in triple-A. Bill Hall has been worth 2.2 WARP over the past two seasons. Two wins. Back before he was poop, he provided 5.7 and 4.9 WARP in consecutive seasons. He sucks right now. Stop sending him to the pentagon thing that they put in front of the catcher. Put in Alcides Escobar. His taint is worth multiple WARP. He hasn't played third base all year because it's too easy for him. Also, no need to keep platooning Hall with Craig Counsell. I didn't like Jim Gantner the first time around, I don't want to watch a worse version of him play in half of this year's games.
Corey Hart looks like an old woman swinging a purse at the plate.
Jason Kendall is not a good hitter. He's got a .663 OPS. I don't specifically care how well he handles pitchers; somebody sit down and teach Mike Rivera what pitches go with which numbers. He's a considerably better hitter, as long as he remembers that one equals fastball put him on the assing field. Kendall looks like a Romanian gymnast, give him a break once in a while. If Ned makes him catch both ends of Sunday's doubleheader, he will catch a fastball and fucking disintegrate.
Eric Gagne has been made a scapegoat, which is totally fair. "Scapegoat" in French means "fucking-neckbeard-ass-throwing-your-changeup-five-mph-slower-than-your-fastball."
Every single time a game starts against another good baseball team, I have zero confidence in this team winning. I missed the first 30 minutes of today's game and they were already losing 5-0. I went to two games of the July Cubs series and had to listen to a 5-foot-7 hammerhead Cubs fan talk about how Ryan Braun looked like an alien and his fat girlfriend agreed and god they sounded like such shitheads and the Brewers got their poop pushed in so I just had to sit there and take it.
Over a year ago, I compared rooting for the Brewers to rooting for pubic lice. I was wrong. In isolated cases, when pubic lice goes untreated, it wins. Ever since I was born, the Brewers don't.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Sex Addiction and You
With the recent news that X-Files star David Duchovny checked into rehab for sex addiction, a friend and loyal reader posed the following question in a conversation.
What exactly makes someone a sex addict?
This question piqued my interest. So, what's the difference between the 97% of the population that really seems to enjoy sex and people that need a stint in rehabilatation?
Well, I decided to look at a sex addiction survey, found here. I selected some of my answers, duplicated here.
3. Do you ever find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts?
Yes, since I was eight.
9. Are any of your sexual activities against the law?
Does God's law count?
11. Do you hide some of your sexual behaviors from others?
Yes, but when I watch TV with my hand in my pants, it's common courtesy to shut the blinds.
12. Have you attempted to stop some parts of your sexual activity?
Yes, but to do this I say the alphabet backwards or try to remember the starting lineup from the 1983 Mariners. It usually works for a couple minutes, so I guess it's more of a delay tactic.
22. Has the Internet created sexual problems for you?
No, the fact that two clicks away from here, I could see billions of pornographic images is, generally speaking, a positive experience for me and society.
25. Have you used the Internet to make romantic or erotic connections with people online?
No, but (see below post) that's because I haven't figured the correct angle for my junk photo.
28. Have you subscribed to or regularly purchased or rented sexually explicit materials (magazines, videos, books or online pornography)?
No, but I like most how this question asks about pornographic books, like that's still something people would look at today. Let's see, I could watch sexually explicit images of attractive people on my computer or read a 400-page novel about glistening members and caressing genitals. I'm not in it for character development or metaphors for man's heroic journey through life.
36. Have you traded sex for money or gifts?
Yes.
38. After sexually acting out, do you sometimes refrain from all sex for a significant period?
Yes, I am refraining from sex for a significant period because I'm a sex addict. That's the reason.
41. Have you engaged in unsafe or 'risky' sex even though you knew it could cause you harm?
Jesus, did you GO to college?
What exactly makes someone a sex addict?
This question piqued my interest. So, what's the difference between the 97% of the population that really seems to enjoy sex and people that need a stint in rehabilatation?
Well, I decided to look at a sex addiction survey, found here. I selected some of my answers, duplicated here.
3. Do you ever find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts?
Yes, since I was eight.
9. Are any of your sexual activities against the law?
Does God's law count?
11. Do you hide some of your sexual behaviors from others?
Yes, but when I watch TV with my hand in my pants, it's common courtesy to shut the blinds.
12. Have you attempted to stop some parts of your sexual activity?
Yes, but to do this I say the alphabet backwards or try to remember the starting lineup from the 1983 Mariners. It usually works for a couple minutes, so I guess it's more of a delay tactic.
22. Has the Internet created sexual problems for you?
No, the fact that two clicks away from here, I could see billions of pornographic images is, generally speaking, a positive experience for me and society.
25. Have you used the Internet to make romantic or erotic connections with people online?
No, but (see below post) that's because I haven't figured the correct angle for my junk photo.
28. Have you subscribed to or regularly purchased or rented sexually explicit materials (magazines, videos, books or online pornography)?
No, but I like most how this question asks about pornographic books, like that's still something people would look at today. Let's see, I could watch sexually explicit images of attractive people on my computer or read a 400-page novel about glistening members and caressing genitals. I'm not in it for character development or metaphors for man's heroic journey through life.
36. Have you traded sex for money or gifts?
Yes.
38. After sexually acting out, do you sometimes refrain from all sex for a significant period?
Yes, I am refraining from sex for a significant period because I'm a sex addict. That's the reason.
41. Have you engaged in unsafe or 'risky' sex even though you knew it could cause you harm?
Jesus, did you GO to college?
Sunday, August 24, 2008
My Casual Encounter
So, earlier this month I flew on a plane and spent time in some airports, so I read an Esquire. People only read Esquires when they fly; nobody in the world subscribes. In that magazine, I read a story about Steven Kazmierczak, the shooter in the murders on the campus of Northern Illinois University.
One of the most interesting aspects of the story (to me, at least) was how Kazmierczak would find women to have sex with on the "casual encounters" section of Craig's List. I filed this bit of information into my brain and went on reading.
Recently, though, in a fit of boredom (It's not chub fishing season, so I'm not able to find much work), I decided to see what sort of people are looking for casual encounters in my part of the world.
First, I clicked on "Women Seeking Men." It seemed that, for the most part, this was for people that were too lazy to go out to a bar and wait for some random hammered guy to hit on them. Maybe it's just me, but if you were a female and really wanted to have sex with a random guy, it wouldn't be that difficult. I know enough males to understand that when a girl hangs that "Free Lunch" sign around her neck at a bar, she's going to have a gentlemanly suitor soon enough.
Another high percentage of applicants seemed to want to be spanked. I suppose I'm not well-read on this particular fetish, but in my brain, this is how it works:
1. Drive to the female's house
2. Get out of car and walk to door
3. Female opens door and pulls down pants
4. Male spanks female
5. Male does a 180-degree and walks out the door
6. Male drives home
That sounds fun enough, I guess.
Then, just to see what kind of guys were showing up here, I clicked on "Men Seeking Women." I don't know what I was expecting, maybe just some lonely guys looking for a fling or something. What I found was...
Dong photos. Lots of dong photos.
Maybe I'm just not super-successful with the ladies, but I never thought showing someone a picture of your package could be part of the courting process. Don't a lot of them look alike? Kind of depressing-looking, frowning a little, the only variation coming in the different hairstyles involved. I can't imagine a woman looking through photo after photo of junk and stopping, gasping and saying, "That's it! That's the one!" Then again, I don't troll for sausage on the Internet, so what do I know?
I also found myself interested in the photographical techniques involved. Like, how long are you arms where you can take a picture from the below the unit? Or do you just have photos of your luge just laying around from previous encounters? Also on some of the photos, the yoon is arranged obelisk-style, so by measuring the shadow, the supposed length of the meat rocket (4.5 inches, but thick) and a couple simple calculations, you can figure out the exact time of day it was taken. Math is your friend, kids!
All in all, it was a difficult experience, so I took two Tylenol PM and drank three beers and closed my eyes real tight and tried not to dream of Lil' Smokies.
One of the most interesting aspects of the story (to me, at least) was how Kazmierczak would find women to have sex with on the "casual encounters" section of Craig's List. I filed this bit of information into my brain and went on reading.
Recently, though, in a fit of boredom (It's not chub fishing season, so I'm not able to find much work), I decided to see what sort of people are looking for casual encounters in my part of the world.
First, I clicked on "Women Seeking Men." It seemed that, for the most part, this was for people that were too lazy to go out to a bar and wait for some random hammered guy to hit on them. Maybe it's just me, but if you were a female and really wanted to have sex with a random guy, it wouldn't be that difficult. I know enough males to understand that when a girl hangs that "Free Lunch" sign around her neck at a bar, she's going to have a gentlemanly suitor soon enough.
Another high percentage of applicants seemed to want to be spanked. I suppose I'm not well-read on this particular fetish, but in my brain, this is how it works:
1. Drive to the female's house
2. Get out of car and walk to door
3. Female opens door and pulls down pants
4. Male spanks female
5. Male does a 180-degree and walks out the door
6. Male drives home
That sounds fun enough, I guess.
Then, just to see what kind of guys were showing up here, I clicked on "Men Seeking Women." I don't know what I was expecting, maybe just some lonely guys looking for a fling or something. What I found was...
Dong photos. Lots of dong photos.
Maybe I'm just not super-successful with the ladies, but I never thought showing someone a picture of your package could be part of the courting process. Don't a lot of them look alike? Kind of depressing-looking, frowning a little, the only variation coming in the different hairstyles involved. I can't imagine a woman looking through photo after photo of junk and stopping, gasping and saying, "That's it! That's the one!" Then again, I don't troll for sausage on the Internet, so what do I know?
I also found myself interested in the photographical techniques involved. Like, how long are you arms where you can take a picture from the below the unit? Or do you just have photos of your luge just laying around from previous encounters? Also on some of the photos, the yoon is arranged obelisk-style, so by measuring the shadow, the supposed length of the meat rocket (4.5 inches, but thick) and a couple simple calculations, you can figure out the exact time of day it was taken. Math is your friend, kids!
All in all, it was a difficult experience, so I took two Tylenol PM and drank three beers and closed my eyes real tight and tried not to dream of Lil' Smokies.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
ALIVE!!!!!
Back from a 14-month hiatus, taken while adjusting to the requirement that I work every weekday for nine-and-a-half straight months. In times like those, you decide to either eat or write for the blog that two people read.
Today, the Mariners failed to unload Jarrod Washburn, despite the fact that other humans would pay the remainder of his contract. You can pick any statistic to underscore Washburn's mediocrity since signing a 4-year, $37.5-million contract in 2006.
Let's go with OPS against, which admittedly punishes Washburn for having Yuniesky Betancourt play behind him but he makes half his starts in Safeco, so call it a wash.
2008: .803 (league average hitter .750)
2007: .758 (.761)
2006: .766 (.772)
So basically, the Mariners have chosen to pay a below-average starter $10.35m next year when someone was willing to make it so they didn't have to.
This is like:
1. An attractive woman walks up to you on the street and offers you free, disease-less sex. You aren't busy and are single, but turn her down and instead watch the Magda's tits scene from "There's Something About Mary" on a constant loop while sitting on a bicycle seat.
2. A beer truck crashes near your house. Cases of beer are strewn about the abandoned street and the bed of your pick-up truck is empty. The driver tells you to go ahead and take some; he had a few extra cases because of an inventory error. You decide not to and drink a V8 through your nose.
3. Your long-lost childhood dog shows up at your door after numerous years of being gone. You slam the door in its face and walk inside and pet your armadillo.
Two blogs do the indignation thing a little better: USS Mariner and Lookout Landing.
Today, the Mariners failed to unload Jarrod Washburn, despite the fact that other humans would pay the remainder of his contract. You can pick any statistic to underscore Washburn's mediocrity since signing a 4-year, $37.5-million contract in 2006.
Let's go with OPS against, which admittedly punishes Washburn for having Yuniesky Betancourt play behind him but he makes half his starts in Safeco, so call it a wash.
2008: .803 (league average hitter .750)
2007: .758 (.761)
2006: .766 (.772)
So basically, the Mariners have chosen to pay a below-average starter $10.35m next year when someone was willing to make it so they didn't have to.
This is like:
1. An attractive woman walks up to you on the street and offers you free, disease-less sex. You aren't busy and are single, but turn her down and instead watch the Magda's tits scene from "There's Something About Mary" on a constant loop while sitting on a bicycle seat.
2. A beer truck crashes near your house. Cases of beer are strewn about the abandoned street and the bed of your pick-up truck is empty. The driver tells you to go ahead and take some; he had a few extra cases because of an inventory error. You decide not to and drink a V8 through your nose.
3. Your long-lost childhood dog shows up at your door after numerous years of being gone. You slam the door in its face and walk inside and pet your armadillo.
Two blogs do the indignation thing a little better: USS Mariner and Lookout Landing.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
A National Tragedy Worse Than The Black Death Times The Hindenburg Squared!
Only you can keep something like this from happening.
Vote Magglio Ordonez to the American League All-Star team.
He'd vote for you.
Currently, Ordonez is fourth among AL outfielders in All-Star voting, which causes several problems.
First of all, he's the best hitter in the majors (whether you follow OPS, VORP or carry a stopwatch and wear a straw hat while watching baseball games.)
Why, he swings with vigor! He could start for anyone in the Federal League!
I'm not a Tigers fan, but can respect the strain put on the lineup when Sean Casey plays nearly every day and their bullpen treats leads like Elijah Dukes treats his wife.
Still, they're well above .500, and that's due to Ordonez's bat. Put together the 58,000 extra votes (at least, what, one-tenth this blog's daily traffic) and make it happen, gang.
While you're at it, stop voting for Manny Ramirez.
"Did you see when he had to go to the bathroom in the giant wall!! LOL!! Just Manny being Manny!!!"
As a reward, here's the trailer for the upcoming movie Superbad.
Vote Magglio Ordonez to the American League All-Star team.
He'd vote for you.
Currently, Ordonez is fourth among AL outfielders in All-Star voting, which causes several problems.
First of all, he's the best hitter in the majors (whether you follow OPS, VORP or carry a stopwatch and wear a straw hat while watching baseball games.)
Why, he swings with vigor! He could start for anyone in the Federal League!
I'm not a Tigers fan, but can respect the strain put on the lineup when Sean Casey plays nearly every day and their bullpen treats leads like Elijah Dukes treats his wife.
Still, they're well above .500, and that's due to Ordonez's bat. Put together the 58,000 extra votes (at least, what, one-tenth this blog's daily traffic) and make it happen, gang.
While you're at it, stop voting for Manny Ramirez.
"Did you see when he had to go to the bathroom in the giant wall!! LOL!! Just Manny being Manny!!!"
As a reward, here's the trailer for the upcoming movie Superbad.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Cool, We Got No-Hit!
Rooting for the Brewers is like rooting for pubic lice.
You think things are going great, you're starting to make some things happen and then, always, here comes the tiny comb.
Every year, the tiny comb.
Also, I don't expect Tony Graffanino to be able to sit on the toilet seat anytime soon.
You think things are going great, you're starting to make some things happen and then, always, here comes the tiny comb.
Every year, the tiny comb.
Also, I don't expect Tony Graffanino to be able to sit on the toilet seat anytime soon.
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