We look (again) at this weekend's NFL Draft, with an eye towards correctly predicting the first 10 picks. Why come here for your draft knowledge? You make me chuckle, child.
Is it possible that in only one website, a single writer could combine the self-aggrandizement of Mel Kiper, Jr., the journalism school dropout writing skills of Peter King and Dr. Z's old man forearm strength?
"I can wrist curl 40 pounds. What the hell's your name again?"
Yeah, it's possible.
1. Oakland: JaMarcus Russell, QB, LSU
No real surprise here. Although the Raiders could do the ballsy thing and pick Wisconsin tackle Joe Thomas, but they won't. It would just look bad when their awful quarterback had a lot of time to throw it to awful receivers.
2. Detroit: Gaines Adams, DE, Clemson
Matt Millen buckles under pressure and doesn't take another wide receiver, assuring Mike Furrey a spot on my fantasy team for another glorious 1-15 season.
3. Cleveland: Joe Thomas, OT, Wisconsin
A scene from last year's Browns season.
With Thomas, fewer asses get sacked, including Charlie Frye (Blanco Nino, if you didn't catch it).
4. Tampa Bay: Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech
I look forward to seeing Jon Gruden scowl at the field whenever Bruce Gradkowski knuckleballs a football nowhere near Johnson.
5. Arizona: Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma
This probably makes too much sense to happen. Edgerrin James is nearly 30 and it would be perfect for him to split time with a back who is learning how to embarrass linebackers on a whole new level.
6. Washington: Amobi Okoye, DT, Louisville
A lot has already been said about Okoye at this point, so I'll just relate a conversation I overheard at the combine this spring.
Scout 1: "I heard he's got a five-inch taint."
Scout 2: "It's insane, this guy's taint."
7. Minnesota: Brady Quinn, QB, Notre Dame
Some would say that this guy might be best suited to play for an NFL team whose most prominent color is purple. Not me. I wouldn't say that.
8. Atlanta: Levi Brown, OT, Penn State
The Falcons were god-awful throwing the ball last year, finishing last in the NFL in yards per game. I think upgrading the offensive line is the only way to fix such a problem. Nope, I certainly can't think of anything else the Falcons could change.
9. Miami: Alan Branch, DT, Michigan
From About:Football (more than likely written by a 10-year-old): "His motor is very inconsistent, and he takes more plays off than you'd like to see. The worst part is that he frequently telegraphs when he's not going to be making much effort, and then subsequently gets blown off the line by inferior linemen. Doesn't seem to be able to deal with double teams at all, despite his size and ability."
Doesn't sound like a problem to me.
10. Houston: LaRon Landry, S, LSU
Luckily for the Texans, they can't completely and unequivocally blow the top pick this year.
*not a guarantee
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