Five Things That Are Bad, But Not As Bad As Jeff Weaver

We've never had a baseline for incompetence. You could never look at something and say, "Yeah, that guy is the worst person at any job in the entire world."

Until Jeff Weaver put on a Mariners uniform.

Through 22 innings, he's allowed an average of 2.6 baserunners per inning, 1.6 earned runs per inning. Opposing hitters are batting .459 against him and slugging .725. He was recently put on the DL, more as a cost-cutting measure than anything, the baseballs he was throwing kept getting dented.

Jeff's done something selfless for the rest of the world, though. He's put everything in perspective. As bad as you might have it, you're not getting paid an exorbitant amount of money to get publicly humiliated (read: shit on by major league hitters) the way Weaver is.

Here's a list of people, places and ideas benefiting from Weaver's 76-mph frisbee slider, hanging in the strike zone like an eighth grader threw it.

1. Adam Morrison's rookie season. I remember there being something written in the middle of the season about him being awful, but I didn't think it was this bad. He didn't shoot well, didn't hit outside shots, didn't get to the free throw line, didn't rebound, passed decently, couldn't guard an NBA player with a chainsaw, turned the ball over frequently and got worse as the season progressed. I kinda hope he bounces back, because It has to start somewhere. It has to start somehow. What better place than here? What better time than now?

2. Kevin Kouzmanoff. His skill set's going to translate well in the National League! Or, you know, he'll be the worst everyday player in the big leagues. Whichever.

3. The homoerotic tension between my two roommates. "You know, this is the first of three conversations. The first is, that you really like hanging out together, go out on Thursday night and have a lot of weird faux-gay jokes, the second is that you know, you might want to try touching each other just to see if you like it and the third is that you definitely enjoy being inside each other and that you're getting a tiny dog."

4. Sidney Ponson. It must be comforting knowing that you sleep under the same sky as Weaver. Ponson doesn't have a choice though, they removed his roof because they need a crane to lift his fat ass out of the room like Bonnie Grape.

5. The Suns single-teaming Tim Duncan. Look, you're going to lose the series if you continue to play him one-on-one. Amare Stoudemire gets in foul trouble when he has to help after Kurt Thomas gets abused, just run another defender at him (Hell, if Jacque Vaughn's in the game, you don't even have to guard him!) and see if that works. I don't know if it will, but it's better than just allowing Duncan to beat your ass.