My Casual Encounter

So, earlier this month I flew on a plane and spent time in some airports, so I read an Esquire. People only read Esquires when they fly; nobody in the world subscribes. In that magazine, I read a story about Steven Kazmierczak, the shooter in the murders on the campus of Northern Illinois University.

One of the most interesting aspects of the story (to me, at least) was how Kazmierczak would find women to have sex with on the "casual encounters" section of Craig's List. I filed this bit of information into my brain and went on reading.

Recently, though, in a fit of boredom (It's not chub fishing season, so I'm not able to find much work), I decided to see what sort of people are looking for casual encounters in my part of the world.

First, I clicked on "Women Seeking Men." It seemed that, for the most part, this was for people that were too lazy to go out to a bar and wait for some random hammered guy to hit on them. Maybe it's just me, but if you were a female and really wanted to have sex with a random guy, it wouldn't be that difficult. I know enough males to understand that when a girl hangs that "Free Lunch" sign around her neck at a bar, she's going to have a gentlemanly suitor soon enough.

Another high percentage of applicants seemed to want to be spanked. I suppose I'm not well-read on this particular fetish, but in my brain, this is how it works:
1. Drive to the female's house
2. Get out of car and walk to door
3. Female opens door and pulls down pants
4. Male spanks female
5. Male does a 180-degree and walks out the door
6. Male drives home

That sounds fun enough, I guess.

Then, just to see what kind of guys were showing up here, I clicked on "Men Seeking Women." I don't know what I was expecting, maybe just some lonely guys looking for a fling or something. What I found was...

Dong photos. Lots of dong photos.

Maybe I'm just not super-successful with the ladies, but I never thought showing someone a picture of your package could be part of the courting process. Don't a lot of them look alike? Kind of depressing-looking, frowning a little, the only variation coming in the different hairstyles involved. I can't imagine a woman looking through photo after photo of junk and stopping, gasping and saying, "That's it! That's the one!" Then again, I don't troll for sausage on the Internet, so what do I know?

I also found myself interested in the photographical techniques involved. Like, how long are you arms where you can take a picture from the below the unit? Or do you just have photos of your luge just laying around from previous encounters? Also on some of the photos, the yoon is arranged obelisk-style, so by measuring the shadow, the supposed length of the meat rocket (4.5 inches, but thick) and a couple simple calculations, you can figure out the exact time of day it was taken. Math is your friend, kids!

All in all, it was a difficult experience, so I took two Tylenol PM and drank three beers and closed my eyes real tight and tried not to dream of Lil' Smokies.