A Brewers Fan Gets Drunk and Laments This Year's Impending Doom

What the fuck. Again?

I was not yet a fetus the last time the Brewers were in the playoffs. My parents conceived me during a Gorman Thomas at-bat in July 1982. As a zygote, I really enjoyed the postseason, and I felt as though this would frequently occur after bursting forth from my mother's womb.

In 1987, they started 13-0 and missed the playoffs. In '92, they were the third-best team in the AL and I cried when they were eliminated and thought it was because I said "ass" when B.J. Surhoff popped out in a clutch situation for the billionth time.

This year is seriously going to be shittier than 1982+1987+1992+2007.

Holy Christ Ned Yost. I know smart people think the manager's role is very limited, but I'm going to take the pencil you use to write Bill Edward Hall's name into the lineup card and put it in your ear. I'm going to assume you've never heard of WARP. It means the amount of wins the player would provide over say, any shithead in triple-A. Bill Hall has been worth 2.2 WARP over the past two seasons. Two wins. Back before he was poop, he provided 5.7 and 4.9 WARP in consecutive seasons. He sucks right now. Stop sending him to the pentagon thing that they put in front of the catcher. Put in Alcides Escobar. His taint is worth multiple WARP. He hasn't played third base all year because it's too easy for him. Also, no need to keep platooning Hall with Craig Counsell. I didn't like Jim Gantner the first time around, I don't want to watch a worse version of him play in half of this year's games.

Corey Hart looks like an old woman swinging a purse at the plate.

Jason Kendall is not a good hitter. He's got a .663 OPS. I don't specifically care how well he handles pitchers; somebody sit down and teach Mike Rivera what pitches go with which numbers. He's a considerably better hitter, as long as he remembers that one equals fastball put him on the assing field. Kendall looks like a Romanian gymnast, give him a break once in a while. If Ned makes him catch both ends of Sunday's doubleheader, he will catch a fastball and fucking disintegrate.

Eric Gagne has been made a scapegoat, which is totally fair. "Scapegoat" in French means "fucking-neckbeard-ass-throwing-your-changeup-five-mph-slower-than-your-fastball."

Every single time a game starts against another good baseball team, I have zero confidence in this team winning. I missed the first 30 minutes of today's game and they were already losing 5-0. I went to two games of the July Cubs series and had to listen to a 5-foot-7 hammerhead Cubs fan talk about how Ryan Braun looked like an alien and his fat girlfriend agreed and god they sounded like such shitheads and the Brewers got their poop pushed in so I just had to sit there and take it.

Over a year ago, I compared rooting for the Brewers to rooting for pubic lice. I was wrong. In isolated cases, when pubic lice goes untreated, it wins. Ever since I was born, the Brewers don't.