This week's standings

I am not kidding you, this idea came to me in a dream. So straight from my rapid eye movement to your lazy eyes, here's what's up and down this week. It's like Newsweek's Conventional Wisdom, but less pretentious.


"I said look at me!"

1. Milwaukee Brewers (6-0): Although my "Milwaukee Brewers are 13-8" rock-hard erection was tempered a little by Ben Sheets' groin injury, I bounce back every time I think about Corey Hart patrolling right field.


He wears his sunglasses at night.


He's hitting 20 homers and stealing 20 bases.

2. The NCAA thinking about banning text messaging (5-1): Except to be honest, the thought of Lute Olson typing "hope u have a good game 2 nite!" is pretty funny.


"lol omg did u see my tm this yr? :("

3. Gary Thorne (4-2): On Dan Patrick's radio show, he was analyzing the tape of that Orioles-Red Sox game like it was the Zapruder film. Schilling painted his sock just like your girlfriend paints her undies four times a month so you won't touch her.

4. U.S. Government (3-3): Democrats trying to get something done about the war: Good. The resultant pissing contest: Bad.

5. NFL Draft "experts" (2-4): Seriously, guys, we'll see you later. Next person to mock draft the whole thing will be forced at gunpoint to finally have sex for the first time.

6. NBA Playoffs (1-5): Dudes, I seriously want to watch your games. I can watch everything from MEAC men's basketball to high school girls basketball, but I fell asleep on the floor trying to watch the Lakers-Suns last weekend. Make the postseason shorter, I swear LeBron won't break a sweat until mid-May.

7. My roommate's mastication (0-6): Most of the food he eats is already dead, not sure why he has to work so hard chewing it.