What the fuck. Again?
I was not yet a fetus the last time the Brewers were in the playoffs. My parents conceived me during a Gorman Thomas at-bat in July 1982. As a zygote, I really enjoyed the postseason, and I felt as though this would frequently occur after bursting forth from my mother's womb.
In 1987, they started 13-0 and missed the playoffs. In '92, they were the third-best team in the AL and I cried when they were eliminated and thought it was because I said "ass" when B.J. Surhoff popped out in a clutch situation for the billionth time.
This year is seriously going to be shittier than 1982+1987+1992+2007.
Holy Christ Ned Yost. I know smart people think the manager's role is very limited, but I'm going to take the pencil you use to write Bill Edward Hall's name into the lineup card and put it in your ear. I'm going to assume you've never heard of WARP. It means the amount of wins the player would provide over say, any shithead in triple-A. Bill Hall has been worth 2.2 WARP over the past two seasons. Two wins. Back before he was poop, he provided 5.7 and 4.9 WARP in consecutive seasons. He sucks right now. Stop sending him to the pentagon thing that they put in front of the catcher. Put in Alcides Escobar. His taint is worth multiple WARP. He hasn't played third base all year because it's too easy for him. Also, no need to keep platooning Hall with Craig Counsell. I didn't like Jim Gantner the first time around, I don't want to watch a worse version of him play in half of this year's games.
Corey Hart looks like an old woman swinging a purse at the plate.
Jason Kendall is not a good hitter. He's got a .663 OPS. I don't specifically care how well he handles pitchers; somebody sit down and teach Mike Rivera what pitches go with which numbers. He's a considerably better hitter, as long as he remembers that one equals fastball put him on the assing field. Kendall looks like a Romanian gymnast, give him a break once in a while. If Ned makes him catch both ends of Sunday's doubleheader, he will catch a fastball and fucking disintegrate.
Eric Gagne has been made a scapegoat, which is totally fair. "Scapegoat" in French means "fucking-neckbeard-ass-throwing-your-changeup-five-mph-slower-than-your-fastball."
Every single time a game starts against another good baseball team, I have zero confidence in this team winning. I missed the first 30 minutes of today's game and they were already losing 5-0. I went to two games of the July Cubs series and had to listen to a 5-foot-7 hammerhead Cubs fan talk about how Ryan Braun looked like an alien and his fat girlfriend agreed and god they sounded like such shitheads and the Brewers got their poop pushed in so I just had to sit there and take it.
Over a year ago, I compared rooting for the Brewers to rooting for pubic lice. I was wrong. In isolated cases, when pubic lice goes untreated, it wins. Ever since I was born, the Brewers don't.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Sex Addiction and You
With the recent news that X-Files star David Duchovny checked into rehab for sex addiction, a friend and loyal reader posed the following question in a conversation.
What exactly makes someone a sex addict?
This question piqued my interest. So, what's the difference between the 97% of the population that really seems to enjoy sex and people that need a stint in rehabilatation?
Well, I decided to look at a sex addiction survey, found here. I selected some of my answers, duplicated here.
3. Do you ever find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts?
Yes, since I was eight.
9. Are any of your sexual activities against the law?
Does God's law count?
11. Do you hide some of your sexual behaviors from others?
Yes, but when I watch TV with my hand in my pants, it's common courtesy to shut the blinds.
12. Have you attempted to stop some parts of your sexual activity?
Yes, but to do this I say the alphabet backwards or try to remember the starting lineup from the 1983 Mariners. It usually works for a couple minutes, so I guess it's more of a delay tactic.
22. Has the Internet created sexual problems for you?
No, the fact that two clicks away from here, I could see billions of pornographic images is, generally speaking, a positive experience for me and society.
25. Have you used the Internet to make romantic or erotic connections with people online?
No, but (see below post) that's because I haven't figured the correct angle for my junk photo.
28. Have you subscribed to or regularly purchased or rented sexually explicit materials (magazines, videos, books or online pornography)?
No, but I like most how this question asks about pornographic books, like that's still something people would look at today. Let's see, I could watch sexually explicit images of attractive people on my computer or read a 400-page novel about glistening members and caressing genitals. I'm not in it for character development or metaphors for man's heroic journey through life.
36. Have you traded sex for money or gifts?
Yes.
38. After sexually acting out, do you sometimes refrain from all sex for a significant period?
Yes, I am refraining from sex for a significant period because I'm a sex addict. That's the reason.
41. Have you engaged in unsafe or 'risky' sex even though you knew it could cause you harm?
Jesus, did you GO to college?
What exactly makes someone a sex addict?
This question piqued my interest. So, what's the difference between the 97% of the population that really seems to enjoy sex and people that need a stint in rehabilatation?
Well, I decided to look at a sex addiction survey, found here. I selected some of my answers, duplicated here.
3. Do you ever find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts?
Yes, since I was eight.
9. Are any of your sexual activities against the law?
Does God's law count?
11. Do you hide some of your sexual behaviors from others?
Yes, but when I watch TV with my hand in my pants, it's common courtesy to shut the blinds.
12. Have you attempted to stop some parts of your sexual activity?
Yes, but to do this I say the alphabet backwards or try to remember the starting lineup from the 1983 Mariners. It usually works for a couple minutes, so I guess it's more of a delay tactic.
22. Has the Internet created sexual problems for you?
No, the fact that two clicks away from here, I could see billions of pornographic images is, generally speaking, a positive experience for me and society.
25. Have you used the Internet to make romantic or erotic connections with people online?
No, but (see below post) that's because I haven't figured the correct angle for my junk photo.
28. Have you subscribed to or regularly purchased or rented sexually explicit materials (magazines, videos, books or online pornography)?
No, but I like most how this question asks about pornographic books, like that's still something people would look at today. Let's see, I could watch sexually explicit images of attractive people on my computer or read a 400-page novel about glistening members and caressing genitals. I'm not in it for character development or metaphors for man's heroic journey through life.
36. Have you traded sex for money or gifts?
Yes.
38. After sexually acting out, do you sometimes refrain from all sex for a significant period?
Yes, I am refraining from sex for a significant period because I'm a sex addict. That's the reason.
41. Have you engaged in unsafe or 'risky' sex even though you knew it could cause you harm?
Jesus, did you GO to college?
Sunday, August 24, 2008
My Casual Encounter
So, earlier this month I flew on a plane and spent time in some airports, so I read an Esquire. People only read Esquires when they fly; nobody in the world subscribes. In that magazine, I read a story about Steven Kazmierczak, the shooter in the murders on the campus of Northern Illinois University.
One of the most interesting aspects of the story (to me, at least) was how Kazmierczak would find women to have sex with on the "casual encounters" section of Craig's List. I filed this bit of information into my brain and went on reading.
Recently, though, in a fit of boredom (It's not chub fishing season, so I'm not able to find much work), I decided to see what sort of people are looking for casual encounters in my part of the world.
First, I clicked on "Women Seeking Men." It seemed that, for the most part, this was for people that were too lazy to go out to a bar and wait for some random hammered guy to hit on them. Maybe it's just me, but if you were a female and really wanted to have sex with a random guy, it wouldn't be that difficult. I know enough males to understand that when a girl hangs that "Free Lunch" sign around her neck at a bar, she's going to have a gentlemanly suitor soon enough.
Another high percentage of applicants seemed to want to be spanked. I suppose I'm not well-read on this particular fetish, but in my brain, this is how it works:
1. Drive to the female's house
2. Get out of car and walk to door
3. Female opens door and pulls down pants
4. Male spanks female
5. Male does a 180-degree and walks out the door
6. Male drives home
That sounds fun enough, I guess.
Then, just to see what kind of guys were showing up here, I clicked on "Men Seeking Women." I don't know what I was expecting, maybe just some lonely guys looking for a fling or something. What I found was...
Dong photos. Lots of dong photos.
Maybe I'm just not super-successful with the ladies, but I never thought showing someone a picture of your package could be part of the courting process. Don't a lot of them look alike? Kind of depressing-looking, frowning a little, the only variation coming in the different hairstyles involved. I can't imagine a woman looking through photo after photo of junk and stopping, gasping and saying, "That's it! That's the one!" Then again, I don't troll for sausage on the Internet, so what do I know?
I also found myself interested in the photographical techniques involved. Like, how long are you arms where you can take a picture from the below the unit? Or do you just have photos of your luge just laying around from previous encounters? Also on some of the photos, the yoon is arranged obelisk-style, so by measuring the shadow, the supposed length of the meat rocket (4.5 inches, but thick) and a couple simple calculations, you can figure out the exact time of day it was taken. Math is your friend, kids!
All in all, it was a difficult experience, so I took two Tylenol PM and drank three beers and closed my eyes real tight and tried not to dream of Lil' Smokies.
One of the most interesting aspects of the story (to me, at least) was how Kazmierczak would find women to have sex with on the "casual encounters" section of Craig's List. I filed this bit of information into my brain and went on reading.
Recently, though, in a fit of boredom (It's not chub fishing season, so I'm not able to find much work), I decided to see what sort of people are looking for casual encounters in my part of the world.
First, I clicked on "Women Seeking Men." It seemed that, for the most part, this was for people that were too lazy to go out to a bar and wait for some random hammered guy to hit on them. Maybe it's just me, but if you were a female and really wanted to have sex with a random guy, it wouldn't be that difficult. I know enough males to understand that when a girl hangs that "Free Lunch" sign around her neck at a bar, she's going to have a gentlemanly suitor soon enough.
Another high percentage of applicants seemed to want to be spanked. I suppose I'm not well-read on this particular fetish, but in my brain, this is how it works:
1. Drive to the female's house
2. Get out of car and walk to door
3. Female opens door and pulls down pants
4. Male spanks female
5. Male does a 180-degree and walks out the door
6. Male drives home
That sounds fun enough, I guess.
Then, just to see what kind of guys were showing up here, I clicked on "Men Seeking Women." I don't know what I was expecting, maybe just some lonely guys looking for a fling or something. What I found was...
Dong photos. Lots of dong photos.
Maybe I'm just not super-successful with the ladies, but I never thought showing someone a picture of your package could be part of the courting process. Don't a lot of them look alike? Kind of depressing-looking, frowning a little, the only variation coming in the different hairstyles involved. I can't imagine a woman looking through photo after photo of junk and stopping, gasping and saying, "That's it! That's the one!" Then again, I don't troll for sausage on the Internet, so what do I know?
I also found myself interested in the photographical techniques involved. Like, how long are you arms where you can take a picture from the below the unit? Or do you just have photos of your luge just laying around from previous encounters? Also on some of the photos, the yoon is arranged obelisk-style, so by measuring the shadow, the supposed length of the meat rocket (4.5 inches, but thick) and a couple simple calculations, you can figure out the exact time of day it was taken. Math is your friend, kids!
All in all, it was a difficult experience, so I took two Tylenol PM and drank three beers and closed my eyes real tight and tried not to dream of Lil' Smokies.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
ALIVE!!!!!
Back from a 14-month hiatus, taken while adjusting to the requirement that I work every weekday for nine-and-a-half straight months. In times like those, you decide to either eat or write for the blog that two people read.
Today, the Mariners failed to unload Jarrod Washburn, despite the fact that other humans would pay the remainder of his contract. You can pick any statistic to underscore Washburn's mediocrity since signing a 4-year, $37.5-million contract in 2006.
Let's go with OPS against, which admittedly punishes Washburn for having Yuniesky Betancourt play behind him but he makes half his starts in Safeco, so call it a wash.
2008: .803 (league average hitter .750)
2007: .758 (.761)
2006: .766 (.772)
So basically, the Mariners have chosen to pay a below-average starter $10.35m next year when someone was willing to make it so they didn't have to.
This is like:
1. An attractive woman walks up to you on the street and offers you free, disease-less sex. You aren't busy and are single, but turn her down and instead watch the Magda's tits scene from "There's Something About Mary" on a constant loop while sitting on a bicycle seat.
2. A beer truck crashes near your house. Cases of beer are strewn about the abandoned street and the bed of your pick-up truck is empty. The driver tells you to go ahead and take some; he had a few extra cases because of an inventory error. You decide not to and drink a V8 through your nose.
3. Your long-lost childhood dog shows up at your door after numerous years of being gone. You slam the door in its face and walk inside and pet your armadillo.
Two blogs do the indignation thing a little better: USS Mariner and Lookout Landing.
Today, the Mariners failed to unload Jarrod Washburn, despite the fact that other humans would pay the remainder of his contract. You can pick any statistic to underscore Washburn's mediocrity since signing a 4-year, $37.5-million contract in 2006.
Let's go with OPS against, which admittedly punishes Washburn for having Yuniesky Betancourt play behind him but he makes half his starts in Safeco, so call it a wash.
2008: .803 (league average hitter .750)
2007: .758 (.761)
2006: .766 (.772)
So basically, the Mariners have chosen to pay a below-average starter $10.35m next year when someone was willing to make it so they didn't have to.
This is like:
1. An attractive woman walks up to you on the street and offers you free, disease-less sex. You aren't busy and are single, but turn her down and instead watch the Magda's tits scene from "There's Something About Mary" on a constant loop while sitting on a bicycle seat.
2. A beer truck crashes near your house. Cases of beer are strewn about the abandoned street and the bed of your pick-up truck is empty. The driver tells you to go ahead and take some; he had a few extra cases because of an inventory error. You decide not to and drink a V8 through your nose.
3. Your long-lost childhood dog shows up at your door after numerous years of being gone. You slam the door in its face and walk inside and pet your armadillo.
Two blogs do the indignation thing a little better: USS Mariner and Lookout Landing.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
A National Tragedy Worse Than The Black Death Times The Hindenburg Squared!
Only you can keep something like this from happening.
Vote Magglio Ordonez to the American League All-Star team.
He'd vote for you.
Currently, Ordonez is fourth among AL outfielders in All-Star voting, which causes several problems.
First of all, he's the best hitter in the majors (whether you follow OPS, VORP or carry a stopwatch and wear a straw hat while watching baseball games.)
Why, he swings with vigor! He could start for anyone in the Federal League!
I'm not a Tigers fan, but can respect the strain put on the lineup when Sean Casey plays nearly every day and their bullpen treats leads like Elijah Dukes treats his wife.
Still, they're well above .500, and that's due to Ordonez's bat. Put together the 58,000 extra votes (at least, what, one-tenth this blog's daily traffic) and make it happen, gang.
While you're at it, stop voting for Manny Ramirez.
"Did you see when he had to go to the bathroom in the giant wall!! LOL!! Just Manny being Manny!!!"
As a reward, here's the trailer for the upcoming movie Superbad.
Vote Magglio Ordonez to the American League All-Star team.
He'd vote for you.
Currently, Ordonez is fourth among AL outfielders in All-Star voting, which causes several problems.
First of all, he's the best hitter in the majors (whether you follow OPS, VORP or carry a stopwatch and wear a straw hat while watching baseball games.)
Why, he swings with vigor! He could start for anyone in the Federal League!
I'm not a Tigers fan, but can respect the strain put on the lineup when Sean Casey plays nearly every day and their bullpen treats leads like Elijah Dukes treats his wife.
Still, they're well above .500, and that's due to Ordonez's bat. Put together the 58,000 extra votes (at least, what, one-tenth this blog's daily traffic) and make it happen, gang.
While you're at it, stop voting for Manny Ramirez.
"Did you see when he had to go to the bathroom in the giant wall!! LOL!! Just Manny being Manny!!!"
As a reward, here's the trailer for the upcoming movie Superbad.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Cool, We Got No-Hit!
Rooting for the Brewers is like rooting for pubic lice.
You think things are going great, you're starting to make some things happen and then, always, here comes the tiny comb.
Every year, the tiny comb.
Also, I don't expect Tony Graffanino to be able to sit on the toilet seat anytime soon.
You think things are going great, you're starting to make some things happen and then, always, here comes the tiny comb.
Every year, the tiny comb.
Also, I don't expect Tony Graffanino to be able to sit on the toilet seat anytime soon.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
A reminder...
"Just be yourself ... as long as that means that you are a successful person."
Three items, enbriefened:
- I can't think of a more magical moment than a team from California (Anaheim) beating a team from Canada (Ottawa) for the Stanley Cup. Hockey ranks slightly below eating my peeled, sunburned skin on a list of things I enjoy, but for the love of poutin.
Who deserves a Stanley Cup more?
Giant dogs
OR
Long-time Ottawa hockey fans, moderately to quite unattractive
- LeBron James didn't beat the Pistons, Daniel Gibson did. And Daniel Gibson only beat the Pistons because Flip Saunders let him. Do you still wonder why Kevin Garnett never went on a postseason run?
Spurs in 4, only because they can't win in 3. If Daniel Gibson scores more than 10 in a finals game, Gregg Popovich will slice the Achilles tendon of whoever can't guard him.
- Finally, I think I would really enjoy cycling and I applaud YELT's furthering of the two-wheeled cause. Now, if we could only create a bike seat that didn't cause serious distress to my junk.
Three items, enbriefened:
- I can't think of a more magical moment than a team from California (Anaheim) beating a team from Canada (Ottawa) for the Stanley Cup. Hockey ranks slightly below eating my peeled, sunburned skin on a list of things I enjoy, but for the love of poutin.
Who deserves a Stanley Cup more?
Giant dogs
OR
Long-time Ottawa hockey fans, moderately to quite unattractive
- LeBron James didn't beat the Pistons, Daniel Gibson did. And Daniel Gibson only beat the Pistons because Flip Saunders let him. Do you still wonder why Kevin Garnett never went on a postseason run?
Spurs in 4, only because they can't win in 3. If Daniel Gibson scores more than 10 in a finals game, Gregg Popovich will slice the Achilles tendon of whoever can't guard him.
- Finally, I think I would really enjoy cycling and I applaud YELT's furthering of the two-wheeled cause. Now, if we could only create a bike seat that didn't cause serious distress to my junk.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Yankees Remain Under .500, The_H's Record Streak of Wet Dreams Continues
And other non-coincidences...
This is a sweet song. So sweet, the video is only of the first minute.
The National- Fake Empire
And if you're going to go to Limewire or Ares or whatever you kids use nowadays to download porn and the occasional song, I have a message for you. Download Red Hot Chili Peppers songs, the only thing you're doing is keeping Anthony Kiedis from buying a ninth Land Rover. Don't download semi-obscure bands that don't get airplay on Bob FM or whatever cookie-cutter "70's, 80's, 90's or whatever!" garbage filth they play in your town. Download Air Supply. Those guys suck.
What they're really out of is musical talent.
Other thoughts:
Thank God the Brewers only have to beat teams in the NL Central to get to the postseason, because a lineup with Tony Graffanino and Craig Counsell is complete balls. Being fundamentally sound while striking out doesn't mean a whole lot.
Oh my God, we're having a fire! .. sale.
If Greg Oden goes to Portland, you'll see him overwhelmed ... you know, beard-wise.
And now, this particular member of YELT is going on vacation this weekend. Peace out, players.
/drinks body weight in jager
/throws up
/gets in fight
/has unprotected sex with fat girl
/happymemorialday
This is a sweet song. So sweet, the video is only of the first minute.
The National- Fake Empire
And if you're going to go to Limewire or Ares or whatever you kids use nowadays to download porn and the occasional song, I have a message for you. Download Red Hot Chili Peppers songs, the only thing you're doing is keeping Anthony Kiedis from buying a ninth Land Rover. Don't download semi-obscure bands that don't get airplay on Bob FM or whatever cookie-cutter "70's, 80's, 90's or whatever!" garbage filth they play in your town. Download Air Supply. Those guys suck.
What they're really out of is musical talent.
Other thoughts:
Thank God the Brewers only have to beat teams in the NL Central to get to the postseason, because a lineup with Tony Graffanino and Craig Counsell is complete balls. Being fundamentally sound while striking out doesn't mean a whole lot.
Oh my God, we're having a fire! .. sale.
If Greg Oden goes to Portland, you'll see him overwhelmed ... you know, beard-wise.
And now, this particular member of YELT is going on vacation this weekend. Peace out, players.
/drinks body weight in jager
/throws up
/gets in fight
/has unprotected sex with fat girl
/happymemorialday
Sunday, May 20, 2007
YELT Guarantees*: The NBA Conference Finals
We do things a little differently here.
We (by that I mean I) didn't watch an NBA game until April, yet still feel caught up enough to rationally discuss the NBA playoffs. Nothing of extreme importance happened before then, except I remember some talk about the basketball giving players paper cuts.
Also, when we preview a basketball matchup, we don't do it on a position-by-position basis (Like Scouts, Inc. at the World Wide Leader). Comparing Michael Finley to Derek Fisher and awarding a team an advantage based on that is completely irrelevant, calling Ginobili a member of the Spurs' bench (when he plays 33 minutes in Game 1) borders on the ridiculous.
Basketball hinges on the outcome of several key matchups. For the most part, we know what these guys are capable of, but some things remain in the air as we try to determine a winner.
San Antonio vs. Utah
Important thing #1: Tony Parker vs. Deron Williams
I look a lot more intelligent saying this after the first game of this series, but anyone who thinks Parker is the better player here reads Sports Illustrated (It's like Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe!). Just because you engage in cloitus with a bad actress doesn't make you a first-rate point guard.
If Deron Williams was hitting this, you'd know he's a badass.
Parker was decent in the Suns series, but Williams was better against the Warriors. Williams still tends to have a couple stinkers per series, but so does Parker.
And then there's what they did in Game 1:
Parker- 8-15 FG, 5 FTM, 6 AST, 3 STL, 6 TO
Williams- 13-23 FG, 2 3PM, 6 FTM, 7 REB, 9 AST, 1 TO
Advantage: Jazz.
Important thing #2: Can Carlos Boozer come close to producing like Tim Duncan?
Before Game 1, there may have been the shred of hope that if Boozer could score, rebound, pass and block near to what Duncan does for the Spurs, the Jazz supporting cast could get them a series win.
It doesn't look like that's going to happen, as Duncan looked like Duncan in game one and Boozer looked like a more coordinated Rafael Araujo.
Advantage: Spurs.
Important thing #3: Is Manu Ginobili going to be the second-best (hell, or the best) player in the series?
By the end of the Suns series, Ginobili was having more of an impact on the result than Duncan (Game 6: 33-11-6-4 stl). If he continues to play at that level, the Spurs are the champions. The Jazz were so good against the Warriors because they had four guys playing at a very high level (Kirilenko, Okur, Boozer and Williams). Through one game with San Antonio, it looks like Duncan and Ginobili (and Oh Boy! Fabricio Oberto!) are the hotness. Deron Williams matched them in this one, but he needed Okur, Kirilenko, Fisher or Boozer to help out. They didn't and that's a bad sign.
Advantage: Spurs.
Prediction: Spurs in 7.
Detroit vs. Cleveland
And now, the least awaited conference final since the NHL conference finals started:
Seriously though, watching the Detroit-Cleveland series won't make you go blind.
Don't worry, your mom was lying about that other thing, too.
Since it's an overwhelmingly negative focus here, we'll follow suit. In doing this, we hope to find the second least worst team.
Important thing #1: Who is Cleveland's second-best player? (Express your answer in tears.)
It's probably Zydrunas Ilgauskas, but only because it can't be Drew Gooden, Aleksandar Pavlovic or Larry Hughes (Have you ever gotten a fourth-grader drunk and then made him/her take 17 jumpers during an NBA playoff game? Then you have an accurate frame of reference for Larry Hughes.)
Disadvantage: Cleveland.
Important thing #2: Is one ever better than four?
Except for sexually transmitted diseases, I can't think of many examples (Although, a needle in the wenis is a needle in the wenis). LeBron is Duncan-esque in the impact he has on a game, but I don't remember a team winning multiple games on one guy's shoulders with little or no help from anybody. In game two against the Nets, LeBron had possibly the best individual game of the postseason (36 pts, 12 ast, etc.). Nobody else from the Cavs did anything. Enough to beat the Nets (greet the Nets), but not Detroit. Prince + Billups + Wallace + Hamilton > LeBron.
Disadvantage: Cleveland.
Important thing #3: Will there be a game where all the fans throw up like when Chunk dumped the fake puke in the movie theater in Goonies?
Yeah, probably.
Disadvantage: rods and cones.
Prediction: Detroit in 5.
*not a guarantee
We (by that I mean I) didn't watch an NBA game until April, yet still feel caught up enough to rationally discuss the NBA playoffs. Nothing of extreme importance happened before then, except I remember some talk about the basketball giving players paper cuts.
Also, when we preview a basketball matchup, we don't do it on a position-by-position basis (Like Scouts, Inc. at the World Wide Leader). Comparing Michael Finley to Derek Fisher and awarding a team an advantage based on that is completely irrelevant, calling Ginobili a member of the Spurs' bench (when he plays 33 minutes in Game 1) borders on the ridiculous.
Basketball hinges on the outcome of several key matchups. For the most part, we know what these guys are capable of, but some things remain in the air as we try to determine a winner.
San Antonio vs. Utah
Important thing #1: Tony Parker vs. Deron Williams
I look a lot more intelligent saying this after the first game of this series, but anyone who thinks Parker is the better player here reads Sports Illustrated (It's like Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe!). Just because you engage in cloitus with a bad actress doesn't make you a first-rate point guard.
If Deron Williams was hitting this, you'd know he's a badass.
Parker was decent in the Suns series, but Williams was better against the Warriors. Williams still tends to have a couple stinkers per series, but so does Parker.
And then there's what they did in Game 1:
Parker- 8-15 FG, 5 FTM, 6 AST, 3 STL, 6 TO
Williams- 13-23 FG, 2 3PM, 6 FTM, 7 REB, 9 AST, 1 TO
Advantage: Jazz.
Important thing #2: Can Carlos Boozer come close to producing like Tim Duncan?
Before Game 1, there may have been the shred of hope that if Boozer could score, rebound, pass and block near to what Duncan does for the Spurs, the Jazz supporting cast could get them a series win.
It doesn't look like that's going to happen, as Duncan looked like Duncan in game one and Boozer looked like a more coordinated Rafael Araujo.
Advantage: Spurs.
Important thing #3: Is Manu Ginobili going to be the second-best (hell, or the best) player in the series?
By the end of the Suns series, Ginobili was having more of an impact on the result than Duncan (Game 6: 33-11-6-4 stl). If he continues to play at that level, the Spurs are the champions. The Jazz were so good against the Warriors because they had four guys playing at a very high level (Kirilenko, Okur, Boozer and Williams). Through one game with San Antonio, it looks like Duncan and Ginobili (and Oh Boy! Fabricio Oberto!) are the hotness. Deron Williams matched them in this one, but he needed Okur, Kirilenko, Fisher or Boozer to help out. They didn't and that's a bad sign.
Advantage: Spurs.
Prediction: Spurs in 7.
Detroit vs. Cleveland
And now, the least awaited conference final since the NHL conference finals started:
Seriously though, watching the Detroit-Cleveland series won't make you go blind.
Don't worry, your mom was lying about that other thing, too.
Since it's an overwhelmingly negative focus here, we'll follow suit. In doing this, we hope to find the second least worst team.
Important thing #1: Who is Cleveland's second-best player? (Express your answer in tears.)
It's probably Zydrunas Ilgauskas, but only because it can't be Drew Gooden, Aleksandar Pavlovic or Larry Hughes (Have you ever gotten a fourth-grader drunk and then made him/her take 17 jumpers during an NBA playoff game? Then you have an accurate frame of reference for Larry Hughes.)
Disadvantage: Cleveland.
Important thing #2: Is one ever better than four?
Except for sexually transmitted diseases, I can't think of many examples (Although, a needle in the wenis is a needle in the wenis). LeBron is Duncan-esque in the impact he has on a game, but I don't remember a team winning multiple games on one guy's shoulders with little or no help from anybody. In game two against the Nets, LeBron had possibly the best individual game of the postseason (36 pts, 12 ast, etc.). Nobody else from the Cavs did anything. Enough to beat the Nets (greet the Nets), but not Detroit. Prince + Billups + Wallace + Hamilton > LeBron.
Disadvantage: Cleveland.
Important thing #3: Will there be a game where all the fans throw up like when Chunk dumped the fake puke in the movie theater in Goonies?
Yeah, probably.
Disadvantage: rods and cones.
Prediction: Detroit in 5.
*not a guarantee
Thursday, May 17, 2007
The Mute Button vs. Tim McCarver
If you were watching the Cubs-Phillies game last Saturday on FOX, (and I was, when you don't have cable, you noisily devour any sporting event) you got to experience one of the most inexplicable phenomenon in recent history.
Tim McCarver, paid to explain the game of baseball to you.
If you imagine someone tuning in during the home half of the second inning without a great deal of knowledge about the game of baseball, here's what they were exposed to. With runners on first and third and one out, eighth-place hitter Carlos Ruiz doubled to center. Abraham Nunez tried to score from first on the play, and was thrown out by a light-year. Enter McCarver to explain the thoughts of the third-base coach.
"You have to send him," McCarver said. "Because the pitcher's coming up next."
Behind my TV, a poster of Jackie Robinson mysteriously started weeping.
I did not know that the third-base coach is required to check the on-deck circle before deciding whether to wave a runner in. I thought it was a less complex equation involving the likelihood that the guy running would get to the plate before the ball did. There was one out. If you don't send him, you've got runners on second and third with one out. (Freddy Garcia, the pitcher and next batter, doubled by the way. Eat it, Tim.). You don't run the guy into a sure out praying that the ball hits the mound or the center field accidentally throws it to third like in RBI Baseball.
This brings up an inherent problem, one that I've brought up before on this website.
These color analysts are expected to talk (a lot) during the course of a game. This means that roughly 80 percent of the time, they're speaking directly out of their hiney hole. Between talk radio, ESPN, ESPN2 and all that other sports garbage out there, discourse about sports has become whomever can yell the loudest or talk the most.
Colin Cowherd, world-class asshole
The problem is that people listen and take it seriously.
There's only one way to handle this, and that's mute the TV. Maybe you give them a half-inning, until the first TV timeout or the first segment of SportsCenter to somehow enlighten you. If they can enhance your experience with their words, leave it on. Most of the time, though, they don't. (Some do, like ESPN's Sunday Night radio duo of Dan Shulman and Dave Campbell. Others, like Jon Miller, pronounce every Latino name like he's in a mariachi band. Last time he did a game with Andres Galarraga, they had to hit control-alt-delete so he'd stop.)
You can tell from box score who played well (Carlos Boozer) and who didn't (Gordan Giricek. Forever, Gordan Giricek). You can watch the highlights to see Baron Davis de-flower Andrei Kirilenko.
You don't need some jerk yelling at you the whole time.
Tim McCarver, paid to explain the game of baseball to you.
If you imagine someone tuning in during the home half of the second inning without a great deal of knowledge about the game of baseball, here's what they were exposed to. With runners on first and third and one out, eighth-place hitter Carlos Ruiz doubled to center. Abraham Nunez tried to score from first on the play, and was thrown out by a light-year. Enter McCarver to explain the thoughts of the third-base coach.
"You have to send him," McCarver said. "Because the pitcher's coming up next."
Behind my TV, a poster of Jackie Robinson mysteriously started weeping.
I did not know that the third-base coach is required to check the on-deck circle before deciding whether to wave a runner in. I thought it was a less complex equation involving the likelihood that the guy running would get to the plate before the ball did. There was one out. If you don't send him, you've got runners on second and third with one out. (Freddy Garcia, the pitcher and next batter, doubled by the way. Eat it, Tim.). You don't run the guy into a sure out praying that the ball hits the mound or the center field accidentally throws it to third like in RBI Baseball.
This brings up an inherent problem, one that I've brought up before on this website.
These color analysts are expected to talk (a lot) during the course of a game. This means that roughly 80 percent of the time, they're speaking directly out of their hiney hole. Between talk radio, ESPN, ESPN2 and all that other sports garbage out there, discourse about sports has become whomever can yell the loudest or talk the most.
Colin Cowherd, world-class asshole
The problem is that people listen and take it seriously.
There's only one way to handle this, and that's mute the TV. Maybe you give them a half-inning, until the first TV timeout or the first segment of SportsCenter to somehow enlighten you. If they can enhance your experience with their words, leave it on. Most of the time, though, they don't. (Some do, like ESPN's Sunday Night radio duo of Dan Shulman and Dave Campbell. Others, like Jon Miller, pronounce every Latino name like he's in a mariachi band. Last time he did a game with Andres Galarraga, they had to hit control-alt-delete so he'd stop.)
You can tell from box score who played well (Carlos Boozer) and who didn't (Gordan Giricek. Forever, Gordan Giricek). You can watch the highlights to see Baron Davis de-flower Andrei Kirilenko.
You don't need some jerk yelling at you the whole time.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Five Things That Are Bad, But Not As Bad As Jeff Weaver
We've never had a baseline for incompetence. You could never look at something and say, "Yeah, that guy is the worst person at any job in the entire world."
Until Jeff Weaver put on a Mariners uniform.
Through 22 innings, he's allowed an average of 2.6 baserunners per inning, 1.6 earned runs per inning. Opposing hitters are batting .459 against him and slugging .725. He was recently put on the DL, more as a cost-cutting measure than anything, the baseballs he was throwing kept getting dented.
Jeff's done something selfless for the rest of the world, though. He's put everything in perspective. As bad as you might have it, you're not getting paid an exorbitant amount of money to get publicly humiliated (read: shit on by major league hitters) the way Weaver is.
Here's a list of people, places and ideas benefiting from Weaver's 76-mph frisbee slider, hanging in the strike zone like an eighth grader threw it.
1. Adam Morrison's rookie season. I remember there being something written in the middle of the season about him being awful, but I didn't think it was this bad. He didn't shoot well, didn't hit outside shots, didn't get to the free throw line, didn't rebound, passed decently, couldn't guard an NBA player with a chainsaw, turned the ball over frequently and got worse as the season progressed. I kinda hope he bounces back, because It has to start somewhere. It has to start somehow. What better place than here? What better time than now?
2. Kevin Kouzmanoff. His skill set's going to translate well in the National League! Or, you know, he'll be the worst everyday player in the big leagues. Whichever.
3. The homoerotic tension between my two roommates. "You know, this is the first of three conversations. The first is, that you really like hanging out together, go out on Thursday night and have a lot of weird faux-gay jokes, the second is that you know, you might want to try touching each other just to see if you like it and the third is that you definitely enjoy being inside each other and that you're getting a tiny dog."
4. Sidney Ponson. It must be comforting knowing that you sleep under the same sky as Weaver. Ponson doesn't have a choice though, they removed his roof because they need a crane to lift his fat ass out of the room like Bonnie Grape.
5. The Suns single-teaming Tim Duncan. Look, you're going to lose the series if you continue to play him one-on-one. Amare Stoudemire gets in foul trouble when he has to help after Kurt Thomas gets abused, just run another defender at him (Hell, if Jacque Vaughn's in the game, you don't even have to guard him!) and see if that works. I don't know if it will, but it's better than just allowing Duncan to beat your ass.
Until Jeff Weaver put on a Mariners uniform.
Through 22 innings, he's allowed an average of 2.6 baserunners per inning, 1.6 earned runs per inning. Opposing hitters are batting .459 against him and slugging .725. He was recently put on the DL, more as a cost-cutting measure than anything, the baseballs he was throwing kept getting dented.
Jeff's done something selfless for the rest of the world, though. He's put everything in perspective. As bad as you might have it, you're not getting paid an exorbitant amount of money to get publicly humiliated (read: shit on by major league hitters) the way Weaver is.
Here's a list of people, places and ideas benefiting from Weaver's 76-mph frisbee slider, hanging in the strike zone like an eighth grader threw it.
1. Adam Morrison's rookie season. I remember there being something written in the middle of the season about him being awful, but I didn't think it was this bad. He didn't shoot well, didn't hit outside shots, didn't get to the free throw line, didn't rebound, passed decently, couldn't guard an NBA player with a chainsaw, turned the ball over frequently and got worse as the season progressed. I kinda hope he bounces back, because It has to start somewhere. It has to start somehow. What better place than here? What better time than now?
2. Kevin Kouzmanoff. His skill set's going to translate well in the National League! Or, you know, he'll be the worst everyday player in the big leagues. Whichever.
3. The homoerotic tension between my two roommates. "You know, this is the first of three conversations. The first is, that you really like hanging out together, go out on Thursday night and have a lot of weird faux-gay jokes, the second is that you know, you might want to try touching each other just to see if you like it and the third is that you definitely enjoy being inside each other and that you're getting a tiny dog."
4. Sidney Ponson. It must be comforting knowing that you sleep under the same sky as Weaver. Ponson doesn't have a choice though, they removed his roof because they need a crane to lift his fat ass out of the room like Bonnie Grape.
5. The Suns single-teaming Tim Duncan. Look, you're going to lose the series if you continue to play him one-on-one. Amare Stoudemire gets in foul trouble when he has to help after Kurt Thomas gets abused, just run another defender at him (Hell, if Jacque Vaughn's in the game, you don't even have to guard him!) and see if that works. I don't know if it will, but it's better than just allowing Duncan to beat your ass.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Because We Care
Since I've been told updating a blog frequently is important, here's some filler material.
But it's not really filler, it's totally sweet.
Fujiya and Miyagi - Ankle Injuries
The piece of video magic that begat this blog
I just started watching The Larry Sanders Show on DVD, I'm disappointed our whole generation is missing out on it because it stars Jeffrey Tambor as "Hey, Now!" Hank Kingsley
The Thermals- A Pillar Of Salt
The Decemberists- 16 Military Wives
That should get you through Friday.
But it's not really filler, it's totally sweet.
Fujiya and Miyagi - Ankle Injuries
The piece of video magic that begat this blog
I just started watching The Larry Sanders Show on DVD, I'm disappointed our whole generation is missing out on it because it stars Jeffrey Tambor as "Hey, Now!" Hank Kingsley
The Thermals- A Pillar Of Salt
The Decemberists- 16 Military Wives
That should get you through Friday.
Monday, May 7, 2007
The Curse of Mark Cooper
Forget the goat.
Forget the Bambino.
A more devastating curse just ended, I don't know why it hasn't received more attention. Truly, it has everything to do with this man.
Cooper, Cooper!
You laugh, but here are two facts that could not possibly be related by anything other than cause and effect.
The Warriors' last playoff series win: The spring of 1991
Mark Cooper is offered a 10-day contract by the Warriors on a fictional television show: November 1992
As a 9-year-old, I remember being riveted; rooting for Cooper to make the team over a fat, drunk Byron Houston and going into the backyard and shooting into the wee hours of the night when he didn't. TGIF rarely hit me this hard, except that one time Balki and Cousin Larry got into a shouting match.
I was young then, and not so caught up in the ridiculousness of an NBA team trying out a high school gym teacher, much less one with a Shawn Marion-esque jumper and the inability to get Holly Robinson Peete in the sack.
I mean, he was living with her! How do you not pull that off?
But from that point, the Warriors have been the taint of the Western Conference.
They made one playoff appearance after Cooper's run on the team (1993-94), but since then, hadn't finished over .500 until this year.
That includes seasons like this:
2000-01: 17-65
1999-00: 19-63, and hilariously, led in total points by Donyell Marshall and Jason Caffey. This team wouldn't have made it to the second weekend of the NCAA Tournament.
1997-98: 19-63
Throw in the Latrell Sprewell choking incident and there's too much circumstantial evidence to blame anybody but this guy:
Odds and ends:
1. I know the Brewers haven't beaten anyone very good (except maybe the Cubs), but they are 22-10 and look pretty good. Also, if this is your anti-Brewers argument, we'll see you in the playoffs. Hating the Brewers for Mr. 3000? Truly heeeee-larious. Michael Jackson being black jokes? So fresh.
2. Everything I think about Roger Clemens can be summed up by the Dugout. Awesome, as usual.
Forget the Bambino.
A more devastating curse just ended, I don't know why it hasn't received more attention. Truly, it has everything to do with this man.
Cooper, Cooper!
You laugh, but here are two facts that could not possibly be related by anything other than cause and effect.
The Warriors' last playoff series win: The spring of 1991
Mark Cooper is offered a 10-day contract by the Warriors on a fictional television show: November 1992
As a 9-year-old, I remember being riveted; rooting for Cooper to make the team over a fat, drunk Byron Houston and going into the backyard and shooting into the wee hours of the night when he didn't. TGIF rarely hit me this hard, except that one time Balki and Cousin Larry got into a shouting match.
I was young then, and not so caught up in the ridiculousness of an NBA team trying out a high school gym teacher, much less one with a Shawn Marion-esque jumper and the inability to get Holly Robinson Peete in the sack.
I mean, he was living with her! How do you not pull that off?
But from that point, the Warriors have been the taint of the Western Conference.
They made one playoff appearance after Cooper's run on the team (1993-94), but since then, hadn't finished over .500 until this year.
That includes seasons like this:
2000-01: 17-65
1999-00: 19-63, and hilariously, led in total points by Donyell Marshall and Jason Caffey. This team wouldn't have made it to the second weekend of the NCAA Tournament.
1997-98: 19-63
Throw in the Latrell Sprewell choking incident and there's too much circumstantial evidence to blame anybody but this guy:
Odds and ends:
1. I know the Brewers haven't beaten anyone very good (except maybe the Cubs), but they are 22-10 and look pretty good. Also, if this is your anti-Brewers argument, we'll see you in the playoffs. Hating the Brewers for Mr. 3000? Truly heeeee-larious. Michael Jackson being black jokes? So fresh.
2. Everything I think about Roger Clemens can be summed up by the Dugout. Awesome, as usual.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
This Week's Standings: People At the Gym
Couldn't help but notice there are about six different types of people at the gym. I, of course, fall into none of these categories because I am a shining star.
1. Anyone from the Milwaukee Brewers (18-9)
Hey, you need a spotter? Johnny Estrada would love to help out!
Need to get some work in on the lat machine? Francisco Cordero will let you alternate sets with him!
"Hey, I've only got one set left. Why don't you jump in, friend?"
2. The hot girl on the stairclimber (4-2)
She can't be first, because it's very difficult and awkward to conceal an erection inside gym shorts. You can go for the tuck-it-in-to-the-waistband trick or even try thinking about baseball. I would rather just let her know how I feel, Next-style. It's like reliving high school homecoming.
3. The guy that puts a lot of weight on things and then does them incorrectly (0-100)
There's this guy at the gym where I work out who wears a trucker hat sideways, a cut-off Under Armour tanktop, smells like a truck driver's asshole and puts 150 pounds on the tricep pulldown machine and then does it once by jerking his entire body downward. What. A. Dickear.
4. The guy that grunts, groans or yells whenever he does anything (0-234)
You can't seriously be working that hard whereby the air inside you can only be expelled so violently as to necessitate that sort of noise. Everyone else's only solace is that this guy is guaranteed a hernia in his near future.
"Welcome, everybody, to the 30th Annual Hernia Survivors Convention! Show the bartender your third ball and get a free Zima!"
5. The foreign guy that wanders around, just getting in the way (0-300)
Not sure why it's always a foreign guy, but it is. I don't create stereotypes, I just reinforce them.
6. The guy that stands RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE FREE WEIGHTS AND THE MIRROR (-1-infinity)
I only have two fantasies and both involve impaling people from this list. The first one should be obvious. The second one involves this guy and a javelin.
1. Anyone from the Milwaukee Brewers (18-9)
Hey, you need a spotter? Johnny Estrada would love to help out!
Need to get some work in on the lat machine? Francisco Cordero will let you alternate sets with him!
"Hey, I've only got one set left. Why don't you jump in, friend?"
2. The hot girl on the stairclimber (4-2)
She can't be first, because it's very difficult and awkward to conceal an erection inside gym shorts. You can go for the tuck-it-in-to-the-waistband trick or even try thinking about baseball. I would rather just let her know how I feel, Next-style. It's like reliving high school homecoming.
3. The guy that puts a lot of weight on things and then does them incorrectly (0-100)
There's this guy at the gym where I work out who wears a trucker hat sideways, a cut-off Under Armour tanktop, smells like a truck driver's asshole and puts 150 pounds on the tricep pulldown machine and then does it once by jerking his entire body downward. What. A. Dickear.
4. The guy that grunts, groans or yells whenever he does anything (0-234)
You can't seriously be working that hard whereby the air inside you can only be expelled so violently as to necessitate that sort of noise. Everyone else's only solace is that this guy is guaranteed a hernia in his near future.
"Welcome, everybody, to the 30th Annual Hernia Survivors Convention! Show the bartender your third ball and get a free Zima!"
5. The foreign guy that wanders around, just getting in the way (0-300)
Not sure why it's always a foreign guy, but it is. I don't create stereotypes, I just reinforce them.
6. The guy that stands RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE FREE WEIGHTS AND THE MIRROR (-1-infinity)
I only have two fantasies and both involve impaling people from this list. The first one should be obvious. The second one involves this guy and a javelin.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
What I Should Have Said, Vol. I
It's one of the problems with being an upstanding, contributing member of society.
Sometimes you've got to bite the old lip and take the high ground instead of saying what you're thinking. I suppose it's one of the drawbacks of being a public figure, but you deal with it and move on.
I can't help thinking, though, about the cartharsis involved with telling someone what you really, truly think about them. At least 100,000 times a day I chew a sentence up and swallow it before it has a chance to get out of my mouth.
No longer.
So your fearless correspondent was out this weekend trying to get a haircut. Since it was the weekend, my favorite haircut place (with the hot mom who treats my head like it broke into her house) was closed. Instead, I headed to the mall barber, which was like if every female hairchopper at SuperCuts cooked up a giant batch of crystal meth and ate it (is that what you do with meth? i'm woefully undereducated on the subject).
So I walk in and one of them says cheerily:
"What can I do for you, hon?"
I respond, simply, that I'd like a haircut. I'm not sure what else people come in there wanting, like maybe it's one of those Asian health spas where you can negotiate the quality of your service (God, I just almost puked typing that, these women were deeee-sgusting.)
"You don't need a haircut," she says.
Now I know I don't have a lot of hair. I'm rocking the horseshoe a little earlier than I would have liked, but it's my grandpa's fault. I've accepted it, but I don't necessarily hope for people to point it out constantly. Because of this, I like to keep it short.
This is where what I actually said and what I should have said diverge.
What I actually said: "Well, some of it does."
What I should have said: "Look, moosey, when you enter the grocery store the checker doesn't drop everything and scream, 'MY GOD WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY NEED TO EAT?' No, they add an extra stock boy in the potato chip and high fructose corn syrup aisles. You take three minutes and cut my hair or I will punch you directly in your jowls. Then, I'll give you 10 dollars and you can go back to devouring live otters in the break room."
Much better.
Sometimes you've got to bite the old lip and take the high ground instead of saying what you're thinking. I suppose it's one of the drawbacks of being a public figure, but you deal with it and move on.
I can't help thinking, though, about the cartharsis involved with telling someone what you really, truly think about them. At least 100,000 times a day I chew a sentence up and swallow it before it has a chance to get out of my mouth.
No longer.
So your fearless correspondent was out this weekend trying to get a haircut. Since it was the weekend, my favorite haircut place (with the hot mom who treats my head like it broke into her house) was closed. Instead, I headed to the mall barber, which was like if every female hairchopper at SuperCuts cooked up a giant batch of crystal meth and ate it (is that what you do with meth? i'm woefully undereducated on the subject).
So I walk in and one of them says cheerily:
"What can I do for you, hon?"
I respond, simply, that I'd like a haircut. I'm not sure what else people come in there wanting, like maybe it's one of those Asian health spas where you can negotiate the quality of your service (God, I just almost puked typing that, these women were deeee-sgusting.)
"You don't need a haircut," she says.
Now I know I don't have a lot of hair. I'm rocking the horseshoe a little earlier than I would have liked, but it's my grandpa's fault. I've accepted it, but I don't necessarily hope for people to point it out constantly. Because of this, I like to keep it short.
This is where what I actually said and what I should have said diverge.
What I actually said: "Well, some of it does."
What I should have said: "Look, moosey, when you enter the grocery store the checker doesn't drop everything and scream, 'MY GOD WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY NEED TO EAT?' No, they add an extra stock boy in the potato chip and high fructose corn syrup aisles. You take three minutes and cut my hair or I will punch you directly in your jowls. Then, I'll give you 10 dollars and you can go back to devouring live otters in the break room."
Much better.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
This week's standings
I am not kidding you, this idea came to me in a dream. So straight from my rapid eye movement to your lazy eyes, here's what's up and down this week. It's like Newsweek's Conventional Wisdom, but less pretentious.
"I said look at me!"
1. Milwaukee Brewers (6-0): Although my "Milwaukee Brewers are 13-8" rock-hard erection was tempered a little by Ben Sheets' groin injury, I bounce back every time I think about Corey Hart patrolling right field.
He wears his sunglasses at night.
He's hitting 20 homers and stealing 20 bases.
2. The NCAA thinking about banning text messaging (5-1): Except to be honest, the thought of Lute Olson typing "hope u have a good game 2 nite!" is pretty funny.
"lol omg did u see my tm this yr? :("
3. Gary Thorne (4-2): On Dan Patrick's radio show, he was analyzing the tape of that Orioles-Red Sox game like it was the Zapruder film. Schilling painted his sock just like your girlfriend paints her undies four times a month so you won't touch her.
4. U.S. Government (3-3): Democrats trying to get something done about the war: Good. The resultant pissing contest: Bad.
5. NFL Draft "experts" (2-4): Seriously, guys, we'll see you later. Next person to mock draft the whole thing will be forced at gunpoint to finally have sex for the first time.
6. NBA Playoffs (1-5): Dudes, I seriously want to watch your games. I can watch everything from MEAC men's basketball to high school girls basketball, but I fell asleep on the floor trying to watch the Lakers-Suns last weekend. Make the postseason shorter, I swear LeBron won't break a sweat until mid-May.
7. My roommate's mastication (0-6): Most of the food he eats is already dead, not sure why he has to work so hard chewing it.
"I said look at me!"
1. Milwaukee Brewers (6-0): Although my "Milwaukee Brewers are 13-8" rock-hard erection was tempered a little by Ben Sheets' groin injury, I bounce back every time I think about Corey Hart patrolling right field.
He wears his sunglasses at night.
He's hitting 20 homers and stealing 20 bases.
2. The NCAA thinking about banning text messaging (5-1): Except to be honest, the thought of Lute Olson typing "hope u have a good game 2 nite!" is pretty funny.
"lol omg did u see my tm this yr? :("
3. Gary Thorne (4-2): On Dan Patrick's radio show, he was analyzing the tape of that Orioles-Red Sox game like it was the Zapruder film. Schilling painted his sock just like your girlfriend paints her undies four times a month so you won't touch her.
4. U.S. Government (3-3): Democrats trying to get something done about the war: Good. The resultant pissing contest: Bad.
5. NFL Draft "experts" (2-4): Seriously, guys, we'll see you later. Next person to mock draft the whole thing will be forced at gunpoint to finally have sex for the first time.
6. NBA Playoffs (1-5): Dudes, I seriously want to watch your games. I can watch everything from MEAC men's basketball to high school girls basketball, but I fell asleep on the floor trying to watch the Lakers-Suns last weekend. Make the postseason shorter, I swear LeBron won't break a sweat until mid-May.
7. My roommate's mastication (0-6): Most of the food he eats is already dead, not sure why he has to work so hard chewing it.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
YELT Guarantees*: The First 10 Picks of the NFL Draft
Since most of what goes on here could fall under the broad definition of "preview," it seemed like time to franchise the concept. Thus, YELT Guarantees* was born.
We look (again) at this weekend's NFL Draft, with an eye towards correctly predicting the first 10 picks. Why come here for your draft knowledge? You make me chuckle, child.
Is it possible that in only one website, a single writer could combine the self-aggrandizement of Mel Kiper, Jr., the journalism school dropout writing skills of Peter King and Dr. Z's old man forearm strength?
"I can wrist curl 40 pounds. What the hell's your name again?"
Yeah, it's possible.
1. Oakland: JaMarcus Russell, QB, LSU
No real surprise here. Although the Raiders could do the ballsy thing and pick Wisconsin tackle Joe Thomas, but they won't. It would just look bad when their awful quarterback had a lot of time to throw it to awful receivers.
2. Detroit: Gaines Adams, DE, Clemson
Matt Millen buckles under pressure and doesn't take another wide receiver, assuring Mike Furrey a spot on my fantasy team for another glorious 1-15 season.
3. Cleveland: Joe Thomas, OT, Wisconsin
A scene from last year's Browns season.
With Thomas, fewer asses get sacked, including Charlie Frye (Blanco Nino, if you didn't catch it).
4. Tampa Bay: Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech
I look forward to seeing Jon Gruden scowl at the field whenever Bruce Gradkowski knuckleballs a football nowhere near Johnson.
5. Arizona: Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma
This probably makes too much sense to happen. Edgerrin James is nearly 30 and it would be perfect for him to split time with a back who is learning how to embarrass linebackers on a whole new level.
6. Washington: Amobi Okoye, DT, Louisville
A lot has already been said about Okoye at this point, so I'll just relate a conversation I overheard at the combine this spring.
Scout 1: "I heard he's got a five-inch taint."
Scout 2: "It's insane, this guy's taint."
7. Minnesota: Brady Quinn, QB, Notre Dame
Some would say that this guy might be best suited to play for an NFL team whose most prominent color is purple. Not me. I wouldn't say that.
8. Atlanta: Levi Brown, OT, Penn State
The Falcons were god-awful throwing the ball last year, finishing last in the NFL in yards per game. I think upgrading the offensive line is the only way to fix such a problem. Nope, I certainly can't think of anything else the Falcons could change.
9. Miami: Alan Branch, DT, Michigan
From About:Football (more than likely written by a 10-year-old): "His motor is very inconsistent, and he takes more plays off than you'd like to see. The worst part is that he frequently telegraphs when he's not going to be making much effort, and then subsequently gets blown off the line by inferior linemen. Doesn't seem to be able to deal with double teams at all, despite his size and ability."
Doesn't sound like a problem to me.
10. Houston: LaRon Landry, S, LSU
Luckily for the Texans, they can't completely and unequivocally blow the top pick this year.
*not a guarantee
We look (again) at this weekend's NFL Draft, with an eye towards correctly predicting the first 10 picks. Why come here for your draft knowledge? You make me chuckle, child.
Is it possible that in only one website, a single writer could combine the self-aggrandizement of Mel Kiper, Jr., the journalism school dropout writing skills of Peter King and Dr. Z's old man forearm strength?
"I can wrist curl 40 pounds. What the hell's your name again?"
Yeah, it's possible.
1. Oakland: JaMarcus Russell, QB, LSU
No real surprise here. Although the Raiders could do the ballsy thing and pick Wisconsin tackle Joe Thomas, but they won't. It would just look bad when their awful quarterback had a lot of time to throw it to awful receivers.
2. Detroit: Gaines Adams, DE, Clemson
Matt Millen buckles under pressure and doesn't take another wide receiver, assuring Mike Furrey a spot on my fantasy team for another glorious 1-15 season.
3. Cleveland: Joe Thomas, OT, Wisconsin
A scene from last year's Browns season.
With Thomas, fewer asses get sacked, including Charlie Frye (Blanco Nino, if you didn't catch it).
4. Tampa Bay: Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech
I look forward to seeing Jon Gruden scowl at the field whenever Bruce Gradkowski knuckleballs a football nowhere near Johnson.
5. Arizona: Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma
This probably makes too much sense to happen. Edgerrin James is nearly 30 and it would be perfect for him to split time with a back who is learning how to embarrass linebackers on a whole new level.
6. Washington: Amobi Okoye, DT, Louisville
A lot has already been said about Okoye at this point, so I'll just relate a conversation I overheard at the combine this spring.
Scout 1: "I heard he's got a five-inch taint."
Scout 2: "It's insane, this guy's taint."
7. Minnesota: Brady Quinn, QB, Notre Dame
Some would say that this guy might be best suited to play for an NFL team whose most prominent color is purple. Not me. I wouldn't say that.
8. Atlanta: Levi Brown, OT, Penn State
The Falcons were god-awful throwing the ball last year, finishing last in the NFL in yards per game. I think upgrading the offensive line is the only way to fix such a problem. Nope, I certainly can't think of anything else the Falcons could change.
9. Miami: Alan Branch, DT, Michigan
From About:Football (more than likely written by a 10-year-old): "His motor is very inconsistent, and he takes more plays off than you'd like to see. The worst part is that he frequently telegraphs when he's not going to be making much effort, and then subsequently gets blown off the line by inferior linemen. Doesn't seem to be able to deal with double teams at all, despite his size and ability."
Doesn't sound like a problem to me.
10. Houston: LaRon Landry, S, LSU
Luckily for the Texans, they can't completely and unequivocally blow the top pick this year.
*not a guarantee
Thursday, April 19, 2007
NL Preview: You Can't Know Anything in Two Weeks Anyways
Except that the Phillies could possibly be the most disappointing team since that team with all the athletic, talented dudes lost to Hickory High.
NL East: NY Mets
Reason: Citibank paid $20 million a year for the naming rights to the Mets' new stadium, Citifield, to be opened in 2009. At least these people will have a nice pretty banner to look at when it opens ... If Atlanta is feeling bad about paying Mike Hampton $121 million to get injured, it should soothe them when Mark Redman's 80-mph garbage trots to the mound every fifth day. ... Seriously, Charlie Manuel is crazy ... The Cardinals' 83-win World Series was more legit than both Marlins World Serieseseseses combined ... Who's worse: The Washington Nationals or the 1899 Cleveland Spiders.
NL Central:St. Louis Milwaukee.
Seriously. This is the year. Screw the rest of the division, here is why the Brewers do the damn thing.
10. Tony Gwynn, Jr. is not as good a hitter as his Hall of Fame father, but he’s also not as morbidly obese. That’s what Vegas calls a push.
9. My roommate has a book called “Christ the Center” sitting out on our coffee table. Shockingly, it makes only 625 references to Bill Hall.
8. The names “Yovani Gallardo” and “Ryan Braun” will pucker the starfruit of most major leaguers by mid-July.
7. Jeff Suppan was the World Series MVP last year. He’s the worst player since Scott Brosius (1998) to do so, which takes some talent. (EDIT: He was the NLCS MVP. Thanks for looking out, dude. I suppose I would remember who my favorite team's postseason MVP was if I wasn't -1 the last time they were in the playoffs.)
6. Brewers catcher Johnny Estrada is a switch-hitter. A switch-hitting catcher? Next thing you know, women will have the right to vote.
5. Claudio Vargas was expected to be a marginal fifth starter, but in his first three games, he has struck out 22 in 13 innings. That's a lot of baseballs being shoved up anuses for a marginal fifth starter.
4. Whoever taught Craig Counsell his batting stance should have their oversized manager pants taken away. That’s not really a positive reason, but look at this guy.
3. While his older brothers solved mysteries, Brewers shortstop J.J. Hardy got into the fielding business.
2. Prince Fielder once ate 100 eggs in one sitting.
"My boy says he can eat 100 eggs, he can eat 100 eggs."
1. Tony LaRussa wears Ned Yost underpants.
NL West: San Diego
Reasons: I think it would be fun to hang out with the Giles brothers, like they would just go get a couple 40s of malt liquor and play MarioKart for Nintendo 64 ... Arizona's one year away from being totally bad ass ... Los Angeles refuses to play Matt Kemp frequently, but hey, Luis Gonzalez is a cool guy ... Colorado only wins when Dante Bichette's restaurant is open (seriously, there's a faded building in Denver that you can tell used to be Bichette's restaurant. Walt Weiss still hangs out on the sidewalk outside, it's effed up) ... If Barry Bonds charges a flyball and Omar Vizquel is going out after it and they are both running really fast, the theory of general relativity states that Vizquel will end up orbiting Bonds until he's absorbed into his massive chest. How funny would that be?
NLDS:Mets over D-Backs (wild-card), Padres over Brewers (baby steps)
NLCS:Mets over Padres
World Series:Mets over Angels
Oh, and apparently the best basketball players in the world have some sort of playoff system going on starting this weekend. Might be interesting to check out.
NL East: NY Mets
Reason: Citibank paid $20 million a year for the naming rights to the Mets' new stadium, Citifield, to be opened in 2009. At least these people will have a nice pretty banner to look at when it opens ... If Atlanta is feeling bad about paying Mike Hampton $121 million to get injured, it should soothe them when Mark Redman's 80-mph garbage trots to the mound every fifth day. ... Seriously, Charlie Manuel is crazy ... The Cardinals' 83-win World Series was more legit than both Marlins World Serieseseseses combined ... Who's worse: The Washington Nationals or the 1899 Cleveland Spiders.
NL Central:
Seriously. This is the year. Screw the rest of the division, here is why the Brewers do the damn thing.
10. Tony Gwynn, Jr. is not as good a hitter as his Hall of Fame father, but he’s also not as morbidly obese. That’s what Vegas calls a push.
9. My roommate has a book called “Christ the Center” sitting out on our coffee table. Shockingly, it makes only 625 references to Bill Hall.
8. The names “Yovani Gallardo” and “Ryan Braun” will pucker the starfruit of most major leaguers by mid-July.
7. Jeff Suppan was the World Series MVP last year. He’s the worst player since Scott Brosius (1998) to do so, which takes some talent. (EDIT: He was the NLCS MVP. Thanks for looking out, dude. I suppose I would remember who my favorite team's postseason MVP was if I wasn't -1 the last time they were in the playoffs.)
6. Brewers catcher Johnny Estrada is a switch-hitter. A switch-hitting catcher? Next thing you know, women will have the right to vote.
5. Claudio Vargas was expected to be a marginal fifth starter, but in his first three games, he has struck out 22 in 13 innings. That's a lot of baseballs being shoved up anuses for a marginal fifth starter.
4. Whoever taught Craig Counsell his batting stance should have their oversized manager pants taken away. That’s not really a positive reason, but look at this guy.
3. While his older brothers solved mysteries, Brewers shortstop J.J. Hardy got into the fielding business.
2. Prince Fielder once ate 100 eggs in one sitting.
"My boy says he can eat 100 eggs, he can eat 100 eggs."
1. Tony LaRussa wears Ned Yost underpants.
NL West: San Diego
Reasons: I think it would be fun to hang out with the Giles brothers, like they would just go get a couple 40s of malt liquor and play MarioKart for Nintendo 64 ... Arizona's one year away from being totally bad ass ... Los Angeles refuses to play Matt Kemp frequently, but hey, Luis Gonzalez is a cool guy ... Colorado only wins when Dante Bichette's restaurant is open (seriously, there's a faded building in Denver that you can tell used to be Bichette's restaurant. Walt Weiss still hangs out on the sidewalk outside, it's effed up) ... If Barry Bonds charges a flyball and Omar Vizquel is going out after it and they are both running really fast, the theory of general relativity states that Vizquel will end up orbiting Bonds until he's absorbed into his massive chest. How funny would that be?
NLDS:Mets over D-Backs (wild-card), Padres over Brewers (baby steps)
NLCS:Mets over Padres
World Series:Mets over Angels
Oh, and apparently the best basketball players in the world have some sort of playoff system going on starting this weekend. Might be interesting to check out.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
MLB Preview: Better late than ... whatever, here it is.
Back from hiatus and a journey to attempt to understand this...
waking...
life
So here's an abbreviated preview of this major league baseball season to convince you I haven't died.
AL East: Boston
Reason: The Sports Guy putting together a roll of quarters over Daisuke Matsuzaka ... I would rather eat a dingleberry salad than select the Yankees to win anything ... Royce Clayton is prominently involved in Toronto's season ... Nothing's changed in Baltimore ... Tampa Bay outfielder Elijah Dukes once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die
Al Central: Minnesota
Reason: Sidney Ponson. ... Grady Sizemore is one of the best outfielders in baseball and ridiculously good-looking (I say this as a heterosexual male), so it's human nature for me to want him to fail ... Detroit continues to close with Todd Jones (fat, throws slow) and set up with Joel Zumaya (throws 101, has flames tattooed on forearm) ... There's this website called Baseball Prospectus that created a statistic called VORP, which is intended to calculate a player's value in comparison to a replacement player (represented by zero the hero). Darin Erstad, Chicago's new center fielder, is projected to have a VORP of -19.6 this year. That's like your employer replacing you with a hamster ... There are a collection of human beings playing for Kansas City, and that's all I can tell you about them
Al West: LA Angels
Reason: The Angels have these guys that are good at throwing the baseball ... Oakland is committing to losing one of their best players every offseason ... Jamey Wright is Texas's fifth starter this season and has been empirically proven by multiple sources to be absolute crap ... The Mariners continue to make themselves irrelevant by spending money on Jose Guillen, Jeff Weaver, Miguel Batista and Horacio Ramirez
ALDS: Angels over Red Sox, Twins over Yankees (Wild Card, only because Bernie Williams has finally passed on)
ALCS: Angels over Twins
Reason: Pitching always wins in the postseason, except when the Cardinals win the World Series, in which case nobody knows why they won.
Coming soon: NL Preview (and maybe new writers)
waking...
life
So here's an abbreviated preview of this major league baseball season to convince you I haven't died.
AL East: Boston
Reason: The Sports Guy putting together a roll of quarters over Daisuke Matsuzaka ... I would rather eat a dingleberry salad than select the Yankees to win anything ... Royce Clayton is prominently involved in Toronto's season ... Nothing's changed in Baltimore ... Tampa Bay outfielder Elijah Dukes once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die
Al Central: Minnesota
Reason: Sidney Ponson. ... Grady Sizemore is one of the best outfielders in baseball and ridiculously good-looking (I say this as a heterosexual male), so it's human nature for me to want him to fail ... Detroit continues to close with Todd Jones (fat, throws slow) and set up with Joel Zumaya (throws 101, has flames tattooed on forearm) ... There's this website called Baseball Prospectus that created a statistic called VORP, which is intended to calculate a player's value in comparison to a replacement player (represented by zero the hero). Darin Erstad, Chicago's new center fielder, is projected to have a VORP of -19.6 this year. That's like your employer replacing you with a hamster ... There are a collection of human beings playing for Kansas City, and that's all I can tell you about them
Al West: LA Angels
Reason: The Angels have these guys that are good at throwing the baseball ... Oakland is committing to losing one of their best players every offseason ... Jamey Wright is Texas's fifth starter this season and has been empirically proven by multiple sources to be absolute crap ... The Mariners continue to make themselves irrelevant by spending money on Jose Guillen, Jeff Weaver, Miguel Batista and Horacio Ramirez
ALDS: Angels over Red Sox, Twins over Yankees (Wild Card, only because Bernie Williams has finally passed on)
ALCS: Angels over Twins
Reason: Pitching always wins in the postseason, except when the Cardinals win the World Series, in which case nobody knows why they won.
Coming soon: NL Preview (and maybe new writers)
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