This Week's Standings: People At the Gym

Couldn't help but notice there are about six different types of people at the gym. I, of course, fall into none of these categories because I am a shining star.

1. Anyone from the Milwaukee Brewers (18-9)
Hey, you need a spotter? Johnny Estrada would love to help out!

Need to get some work in on the lat machine? Francisco Cordero will let you alternate sets with him!


"Hey, I've only got one set left. Why don't you jump in, friend?"

2. The hot girl on the stairclimber (4-2)
She can't be first, because it's very difficult and awkward to conceal an erection inside gym shorts. You can go for the tuck-it-in-to-the-waistband trick or even try thinking about baseball. I would rather just let her know how I feel, Next-style. It's like reliving high school homecoming.

3. The guy that puts a lot of weight on things and then does them incorrectly (0-100)
There's this guy at the gym where I work out who wears a trucker hat sideways, a cut-off Under Armour tanktop, smells like a truck driver's asshole and puts 150 pounds on the tricep pulldown machine and then does it once by jerking his entire body downward. What. A. Dickear.

4. The guy that grunts, groans or yells whenever he does anything (0-234)
You can't seriously be working that hard whereby the air inside you can only be expelled so violently as to necessitate that sort of noise. Everyone else's only solace is that this guy is guaranteed a hernia in his near future.


"Welcome, everybody, to the 30th Annual Hernia Survivors Convention! Show the bartender your third ball and get a free Zima!"

5. The foreign guy that wanders around, just getting in the way (0-300)
Not sure why it's always a foreign guy, but it is. I don't create stereotypes, I just reinforce them.

6. The guy that stands RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE FREE WEIGHTS AND THE MIRROR (-1-infinity)
I only have two fantasies and both involve impaling people from this list. The first one should be obvious. The second one involves this guy and a javelin.