What I Should Have Said, Vol. I

It's one of the problems with being an upstanding, contributing member of society.

Sometimes you've got to bite the old lip and take the high ground instead of saying what you're thinking. I suppose it's one of the drawbacks of being a public figure, but you deal with it and move on.

I can't help thinking, though, about the cartharsis involved with telling someone what you really, truly think about them. At least 100,000 times a day I chew a sentence up and swallow it before it has a chance to get out of my mouth.

No longer.

So your fearless correspondent was out this weekend trying to get a haircut. Since it was the weekend, my favorite haircut place (with the hot mom who treats my head like it broke into her house) was closed. Instead, I headed to the mall barber, which was like if every female hairchopper at SuperCuts cooked up a giant batch of crystal meth and ate it (is that what you do with meth? i'm woefully undereducated on the subject).

So I walk in and one of them says cheerily:

"What can I do for you, hon?"

I respond, simply, that I'd like a haircut. I'm not sure what else people come in there wanting, like maybe it's one of those Asian health spas where you can negotiate the quality of your service (God, I just almost puked typing that, these women were deeee-sgusting.)

"You don't need a haircut," she says.

Now I know I don't have a lot of hair. I'm rocking the horseshoe a little earlier than I would have liked, but it's my grandpa's fault. I've accepted it, but I don't necessarily hope for people to point it out constantly. Because of this, I like to keep it short.

This is where what I actually said and what I should have said diverge.

What I actually said: "Well, some of it does."

What I should have said: "Look, moosey, when you enter the grocery store the checker doesn't drop everything and scream, 'MY GOD WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY NEED TO EAT?' No, they add an extra stock boy in the potato chip and high fructose corn syrup aisles. You take three minutes and cut my hair or I will punch you directly in your jowls. Then, I'll give you 10 dollars and you can go back to devouring live otters in the break room."

Much better.